Queer Eye For the Straight Sano
by Alientrashcans
Summary: Sano has led a good life thus far.'till a certain wife-of-Kenshin's ghost inhabits his poor,manly body and embarrasses him half to death! Yes,Tomoe is trying to get Kenshin back. But through Sano? DOUSHITE? why? KnK But only with Tomoe's unwilling consent
1. The Inhabitance

The rain softly tapped on the rooftop of the Kamiya Dojo. Silence crept at each corner of the training-house home with the exception of Kenshin's mouse-like footsteps.

He crept past snoring Sano and Yahiko, but stopped intentionally at the door of a special lady-friend. Kenshin slid the shoji door open to a mere crack. Just enough to reassure himself that she was sleeping peacefully.

Continuing his midnight stroll, Kenshin walked to a nearby pillar and leaned against it as he would, so casually, if it was mid-day. Starring up to the pouring sky. He says quietly to himself, "Not a wink… something's different."

At that very moment the hinge door to the back gate swung furiously open and then creaked back to a close. Kenshin's eyes processed nothing but a whirl of energetic leaves in front of the now shut gate door. As he was still wondering about the strange phenomenon, Kenshin was taken by surprise by a gust of ice cold wind, blowing hard, directly onto him. Kenshin, resisting the chill, further closed his gi and began to rub his hands along his arms to keep too many goose bumps from surfacing. The branches scratched against each other, and the wind howled in unison. In the mist of all the noise Kenshin heard his name being called. He lapsed around, frantically searching for a source. There was none.

"This is what I get for not sleeping, I become delusional…"

Kenshin returned to his room relentlessly, only to find that the door was wide open. It grew silent. Alarmed, Kenshin felt his side for his sakabatou. Feeling it was there, he proceeded to searching the house. Something wasn't right here. Kenshin paced himself to a stealthful stride all over the surrounding area of the rooms. Nothing. No wet foot trails; No drops of water on any surface. Nothing that signified anyone had been or was there. But there most definitely was…

He called it quits after a few more searches around the dojo and rested himself on the floor against a pillar in front of the Kamiya girl's room, leaning the sword on his left shoulder. Tired, he started to doze off, but forcefully kept his eyes as open as they would go. He felt cold air float around on top of his shoulders and across his chest as if in a protective, loving embrace. But, no one was around. Kenshin hadn't felt this feeling since his past wife was murdered. The wind still blew, softly…

"…guess it comes with age," he sighed, and closed his eyes in submission.

"_My love, I've found you. At long last we will be together again. There is only one thing left to do…"_

Sano sat up, stretching out his arms and heaving a loud yawn. He lazily staggered to his feet and proceeded to the door of his room, scratching his butt a good time before he even entered the light of the outside world. Only half awake, Sano dragged himself to the bathroom, where he was to perform his morning duties. Somehow, as he stepped inside the restroom, he miraculously remembered to close the door behind him.

Sano pulled down the front part of his pants and held his mini-me out to pee. But the colored stream of liquid wasn't coming. And he really had to go, too.

"Shit," he said as he began to shake it and jump up and down.

"Ooooh….," Sano exhaled as it flowed a little just as he was getting ready to jump higher. He stood up erect with a triumphant smirk.

"Yea, that's right, baby!" It stopped.

"Fuck!" Sano started squatting and standing and the fluid ran and stopped. Sano began to notice it came out a bit only when he was in the squat position.

"Wait a minute, you mean…"Sano sat hesitantly.

"Oh man the is gonna hurt my manliness. Good thing no one can see me in here…keep the shame to myselfaaaahhh."

Yahiko walked up to the bathroom door like a zombie and opened it almost unconsciously. He rubbed his eyes as he made out a figure on the seat. Brown eyes shot wide open as his vision cleared and he held his breath, turning blue in the process as he witnessed Sano sitting down on the job. Something Sano said only a woman did.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!," They both screamed as loud as they could. Sano covered his middle and Yahiko, regaining the fleeing ability, just ran for his life. Yahiko slammed the door shut before Sano finished screaming and came out. He remembered what happened the last time he saw something he wasn't supposed to.

"YOU LITTLE BRAT! DON'T YOU KNOW HOW TO KNOCK?! I'M GONNA KNOCK ON YOU ONCE I GET OUTTA HERE! OH, YOUR GONNA GET IT YAHIKO! JUST YOU WAAAIIIT!!!…"

Yahiko stopped to catch his breath. Then he looked down and saw that his pants were wet in a particular spot, "O'man…"

Breakfast was a lot calmer; Except for the starring-at-everyone-nervously part. Sano couldn't figure out what was wrong with himself. He had already beaten up Yahiko for his previous intrusion on morning duties, but it wasn't the same revenge as he usually would've taken. Yahiko had a red mark on his cheek instead of a bump. And he wasn't even eating like he usually did. _"I think I'm sick…,"_ he thought. He couldn't keep his eyes to himself. They were weirdly on a certain red head most of the time.

"_Am I turning gay? NO! I'm not gay! No way am I turning into some fruit! I'm just not feeling good that's all…"_

Kaoru, noticing Sano's quiet babble, hesitantly asked, "Um.. are you ok Sano?"

"I'M NOT GAY!!"

Everyone looked at him in dead silence. Sano, not knowing what to do, stuffed his face with food. None wanted to interrogate any further. Willingly, they continued eating as well. Or at least two of them did.

Yahiko was trying to hold in his laughter. Sano just made a fist at the now frightened boy and quickly returned to concentrating on his own food that he so desperately wanted to eat, but felt as if it wouldn't go down. Each time a morsel was consumed it was hard-swallowed. Sanosuke, frustrated, got up with an annoyed look on his face and excused himself from the table. "Sano…," Kenshin said watching his best friend walk out all of a sudden. He had hardly touched his food, which wasn't one of the things Kenshin thought he'd see at any particular time of his life. Even if it was Kaoru's cooking.

After the shouted reassurance that Sano wasn't gay, Yahiko went with Kaoru to go give some lessons at another dojo. Kenshin was already on to the cleaning part of his day. Everyone occupied. Sano, not surprisingly, decided to lay on his futon in his room. Doing nothing but staring at the ceiling.

"_Maybe if I take a nap I'll be fine."_

Then he heard the door slide open. Sano turned his head to see Kenshin coming in with a tray of something steaming hot.

"Hello Sano, Sessha brought you something to make you feel better," Kenshin said with a smile as he knelt down and set the food-filled tray by Sano.

"Thanks Kenshin, you're such a gentleman," Sano replied touching Kenshin's hand lightly.

""Oro!…uh…you're welcome Sano-san. But Sessha really thinks you should get your rest now de gozaru yo. Besides…there are much chores that have yet to be finished," Kenshin said nervously pulling his hand back and getting up to head towards the door.

"Wail Kenshin! Don't leave me here by myself!"

"mm? ..ORO!! Sano-san?" Sano had his arms wrapped around Kenshin.

After a moment, Sano suddenly came back to reality, "What the…NO!!!"

Sano freaked out and ran out of the room like he would if he skipped a tab, "_I can't believe I just did that! That wasn't me! Someone must be doing voodoo on me or something! And why the HELL do I feel so dainty?!"_

At that moment of realization Sano felt as if he had a bit too much too eat at breakfast. One way to get it out. Involuntarily of him of course. Trying to force the little bit if food he had back down Sano came to a complete stop and decided to trudge to a nearby tree. Regrettably, he had to let the food escape.

"Are you ok, Sano?"

"I'M NOT A FRUIT!"

Sano turned round to see whom it was that, at the worst of times, was talking to him. What a coincidence it was that his buddy Tomo was at the same spot Sano decided to stop and barf at. And with the most weirded-out look on his face, too.

"Fucking great…" Sano mumbled.

* * *

Oh, boy. I'll admit my writting wasn't very good. But cut me some slack this was an early work of mine.

I haven't updated in a while, I know. Decided to do a runthrough and fix some grammer stuff (and some sentences). Everything's pretty much the same. Just so I don't confuse the readers...if you are reading this story, though, let me know. An author likes to know when they're being acknowledged.

Well...If you like the story, I'll be updating by this Sunday. And I promise the next chapter will be much more...interesting. *evil laugh* No, Sanosuke is not gay. Or maybe he is... no he's not. Or maybe he is...IF YOU ARE A FAN OF SANO'S...review and tell me what you think^^ To be gay, or not to be?


	2. A Grand Entrance

_Disclaimer: I pledge allegiance to the...oh, sorry. I do not own Kenshin or any affiliated ideas/characters_._ This goes for every chapter, k?_

"Sano, you need a doctor or something?" Tomo asked worriedly. "I can take you to that lady-doctor if you want…" He said reclaiming some smile.

"No, Tomo, I'm fine. I just needed some air is all." Sano replied with an almost drunken smile.

"_Don't pay attention to him, just go back to the dojo."_ A voice said.

"Who the hell said that?!!" Sano yelled in a panic.

"_I_ said I should take you to the clinic." Tomo answered with one eyebrow raised. He began to take up Sano's arm.

"No! I said no!"

Sano elbowed his friend to the ground and pulled his arm free. Running now, he didn't take the chance of going through the streets of town. He ran like a track star straight into the forest this time, and so deep he could no longer see the shadows of buildings. This was the point where he stopped.

Gasping for breath, Sano held onto a nearby tree and reluctantly rid himself of whatever else that was in his system. This was all too much. He was certain he couldn't be gay. Not for one minute could he be. In fact, he was a bit homophobic himself. They really did creep him out. But the events that occurred seemed too radical to disregard as a sickness.

Sano looked up and yelled at the sky, "What kind of God are you?!!"

"_He's a very gracious and kind God. You should be grateful."_ The mysterious voice said. It kind of sounded like a girl's. But it was still eerie.

Sano blinked and only looked around with his eyes. He stood frozen. No one there.

"_Now, enough. I have to get back to the dojo. I don't have time to fool around in the trees."_

Sano thought to himself '_Should I tell it something?…'_

"Uh…then go."

"_I can't go without you, you bird head!"_ His eyebrows crossed in confusion and he cocked his head.

"…Why not?' He began to wonder if gay people hallucinated, '_Do gay people hallucinate?'_

"_Because I've inhabited your body! Now…get to the dojo so I can see my Kenshin."_

Sano's eyes bulged, "You what?…" Sano hated ghosts. He knew all the stories of what ghosts could make you do. They were a force that could not be reckoned with.

He grabbed ahold of a sturdy tree trunk and banged his head against it repeatedly, "GET OUT OF MY HEAD!"

There was a giggle heard, "_Try as you might, that won't work."_

Sano panicked. What did people do when they were being…abducted? No possessed by a spirit. What could he do now that he was being possessed? And what did that really mean anyways? Just that a ghost was inside him. So what? No that was waaaay too creepy. And wrong. Ghosts were supposed to be in heaven. Or hell. Or walking the Earth somewhere but not in people's bodies. There had to be something done about this. Before the ghost inhabited him…PERMANENTLY…

He gulped, then moved his legs. His soul was in danger. What if this ghost was a soul-eater and it ate his soul and then took over his body?! No way! Not this young bachelor's. Sano ran to the nearest, most helpful place he knew: The Sher- Lee Temple. Those monks were known to talk to spirits. And rid homes of them. And keep them away. Surely the monks could help him.

Sano ran through town so fast people in his way spun almost into the air. There was a disparity on his face that was noticed by someone coming out of an herb shop. She knew Sano. But what was he running so fast from. She looked in the direction Sano had just came. '_Or running too_,' she thought. Fixing her long black hair, she shrugged and began to walk back to the clinic where she was employed. But then she stopped. What could that bird-brain be so desperate about? She turned round again and headed in the direction Sano did with a quick foot.

At the Temple…

A monk was planting this year's fruit: squash. He hated squash. Well, more like severely disliked because monks weren't really supposed to hate anything, Squash was just…so distasteful. But since the head monk decided that this year's new fruit was squash, he was obligated to plant it. Regardless of his own taste.

The short shovel was thrust into the ground. Silently, the monk apologized to the Earth for penetrating its soil. Fortunately, it seemed as though she was forgiving because the soil came loose after the second plunge. But before he could get any deeper he heard an unfamiliar voice calling for help. As a monk, and as a curious human being, he cocked his head in the direction of the source and stood shovel still in hand. There was a tall, thin man seeming to be in search of someone; though, neither of them quite knew who was being sought. Then the man's golden brown eyes caught sight of the squash-planting monk. Confusion froze the air for a second before the man took long strides toward the monk. The quick pace frightened the monk. Why him? The poor, humble man was small. He was just planting. Buddha must surely have a plan going on. Or a cruel joke.

"You," the monk's eyes grew wide, "I need your help."

This tall, thin man seemed to be in very good health. Yet his eyes showed his great distress, "Is someone at home ill?"

The man was confused for a moment but pursued, "No, it's me. I think I've been possessed by something. Or someone. I want to get rid of it."

The monk stood there for a moment and pondered what he had been told. Possessed. People still believed in that? "I'll have to talk to the head monk, Master Kee. He'll be here this afternoon and we could go first thing in the morning-"

The monk was cut off by huge hands lifting his feet from the ground by his clothing, "Listen you… What's your name?

"Keu. Keu Cur-Lee."

"Well, Cur-Lee Keu," Sano stopped to question, but shook it from his mind, "I need help NOW. And if I have to make you I-"

"Sano! Put that poor man down at once!"

Sano and the monk looked in the direction of the savior, "Megumi?" Sano said surprised.

"Thank Buddha."

"What are you doing here?" Megumi came right up to Sano and glared as only a woman of her stature could. Sano dropped Monk Cur-Lee to the ground in submission.

Megumi helped the man up, "I'm so sorry for this. He usually doesn't come here, he's not the religious type."

"He claimed he needed help." Cur-Lee said.

"Well not to offend you, or anyone that might be as willing to help as you are, but Sano, here, is beyond the human capability of being helped."

"Hey!"

"HEY!" She bit back. Both of the men flinched, "What are you doing here anyways? I saw you run here like there was free food being given away."

"I uh…" Sano was hesitant. If he told Megumi that he thought he was possessed, she would never let him live it down.

"He said he thinks he's possessed." Cur-Lee admitted only trying to help. A welt grew on the very top of his head.

Megumi laughed hysterically. Sano could only frown. This was a serious matter. She looked at him noticing he was not trying to justify himself, "Oh, you're serious…"

"I've been acting weird lately…And, no, I do not want to tell you how. Just know that I have."

"Maybe I should keep an eye on you at the dojo. I'll sleep there tonight."

The monk looked between them, back and forth, "Um, excuse me but where is this dojo?"

"Why do you want to know?" Megumi asked suddenly turning a cold eye.

"It's the Kamiya dojo down the main street that way." Sano pointed.

Cur-Lee nodded, "I shall inform my master when he first arrives. We should be there bright and early tomorrow. But if you'll excuse me, I'll get into trouble if I don't finish my chore." He pointed back toward the mini vegetable garden with his mini shovel and received two upraised eyebrows.

"Well then I'll see you tomorrow." He shook the monk's hand, then gripped it tight pulling Cur-Lee closer to whisper in his ear, "Don't be late…" The monk smiled. A dew of sweat at his forehead.

"Come on Sano, let's leave…" She faltered for his name.

"Keu. Keu Cur-Lee."

"Oh. Nice to meet you, Cur-Lee Keu." She paused for a moment, then suppressed a laugh.

The monk was confused, "What is so funny?"

"Nothing," Sano took Megumi's shoulders and directed her towards the exit.

Cur-Lee Keu shrugged and went back to the garden to finish his job.

On the way back to the dojo…

"Hey Sano," Sano looked up, "Maybe we should mention this to Kaoru. I mean, it's her house."

"No!' Megumi jumped at the sudden shout, "I mean…there's not need to worry her about monks coming to her house in the morning, is there? She has enough to worry about anyways, what with Kenshin and the odd-lessons and all."

"_Yes, we're finally almost there. To warn you before hand, I'm going to take over at dinner, ok?"_

"Like hell you are!"

"Geez, fine…"

Sano didn't mean to say that last bit out loud but they were already at the dojo, so why apologize? The door was unlocked and they let themselves inside. Sano could smell dinner on its way. It was still early but an early dinner is never unwelcome in Sano's stomach. He waved to Yahiko. To him, Sano seemed to be feeling better. That meant no more beatings! Yahiko waved back delightedly.

Megumi and Sano went separate ways; she looking for Kaoru and he following that sweet aroma of one man's cooking: Kenshin's. God, he could cook. If he was a woman, he would be married. Or at least mooched on by Sano. Well he already was. There was not helping it. If you cook it (and it is good), they will come. And he did. His nose uplifted, he trailed the scent until his face hit the door to the kitchen. Kenshin looked up from the cutting board, but shrugged and returned to dinner. Sano slid the door open and saw the red-head working. Kenshin turned around and faced his best friend, "Hello, Sano. Sessha predicts the dinner to be ready within the hour."

"Awesome, Kenshin. To tell you the truth I seem to have…lost my food earlier." He held his growling stomach, "Do you mind if I munch on that carrot over there?" Kenshin gestured the ok. "Thanks."

He picked up the carrot and began to gnaw on it. It was pretty good. He must have already had the vegetables in some kind of vinegar soak. Nah, it didn't really taste like that. He began to lick it in test. Kenshin watched this. His eyes full to bursting. Sano looked up at him continuing to lather the carrot.

Poor Kenshin turned blue, "Sano…?"

"Kenshin…you still cook like a god." Kenshin realized this was not Sano's voice. But still kept his distance. This was way too…wrong.

"Still?"

"I came back for you, Kenshin."

He took a step back from his friend, "That is nice of you to do that for Sessha but that was really unnecessary…and so is this, degozaru yo."

"No. We haven't had each other in over a decade. It's natural for couples to want each other after a period of time…and just look at how your muscles haven't tarnished at all…Take me Kenshin!"

Sano's body lunged at Kenshin and, frozen with shock, he was caught in Sano's arms and an enclosing face that frighteningly had puckered lips. Kenshin flailed and with all of his force pushed Sano off into the farthest wall. Jars and other dried goods crashed down on Sano's head and he regained his personal space back.

Sano only looked up at Kenshin with tears in his eyes, "I only came back for you…I just want to be with you one last time…Jerk!" He ran off.

Kenshin stood there motionless as his mind tried to process what had just happened. His best friend had just tried to kiss him. '_Oh Buddha, please don't let it be that Sano is_'… He shoved the thought from his mind. Maybe Sano was drunk. And even if he was, Kenshin would have to have a good talking with him later. A scolding, more like. People shouldn't drink like that. It was unfair to others in their line of emotional fire. Or maybe he should talk to him now… But there was a mess to be cleaned and Kaoru would have his head if he just left it. At the moment, he would have to wait until after dinner. AFTER dinner. Another thought invaded his mind: _'What kind of awkwardness would we have now that I have rejected him? Or would he just be too drunk to even remember? Buddha help me…'_

After things had been served and everyone was seated…

Sano's eyes were bloodshot. He had been crying. Or she had. He wondered what for. And she said she would only take over at dinner. _'Liar.'_ He thought. Kenshin was looking at him funny. _'What had she done? What had _they_ done? What would she do now if she were to take over?'_ He hoped to God that wouldn't happen. He just needed a peaceful rest-of-the-day. And food in his stomach. Again, though, it wasn't going down well. Or "willingly" would have been the better word.

Again Kenshin was watching him with some expression Sano could not read. Hurt? No. Confusion? Maybe. "Sorrow" seemed to fit but just wouldn't describe why his face darted from Sano's when the stare became a second too long.

"_That jerk rejected his own wife…!"_

Sano was surprised to hear the girl's voice come out of nowhere. Hesitantly, he spoke under his breath, "Wife?"

"_Yes! I'm his late wife. Look, I'm going to take over now like I said so I can tell him what's going on."_

"Hey! That's not fair! You took over earlier and I think I was made a fool again. What did you do with my body?!" He gritted his teeth against a soft piece of beef.

"_None of it is your concern. I'm sorry I had to inhabit your body but I swear it was my last choice. Now give up willingly or be forced."_

"Sanosuke Sagara does not play that way, miss. What's fair is fair. You had your chance…" Sano seemed not to notice everyone watching him babble under his breath to himself.

"Sano?…"

Kaoru put a hand on his shoulder looking at his entire face with concern. Sano all of a sudden began to sweat convulsively. Megumi was at his side in a flash and Yahiko ran to get water from the well as he was commonly summoned to do during times like these. Megumi checked his pulse and reported an abnormally rapid pace. Kenshin waved his hand in front of Sano's face. He appeared to be just staring at nothing in particular. And with a third wave Sano jolted upright, and looked around. He seemed as though he did not recognize anyone but Kenshin. Whom he gave the most blazing glare in the history of glares.

"You…"Sano growled. Kenshin gulped not just at the glare and wording, but mostly at the feminine voice coming from the broad-chested, deep-voiced man sitting across from him.

By this time Kaoru and Megumi had retreated back from Sano. Yahiko, hearing this, dropped the bucket of water onto the floor in sheer horror. Sano's fire-filled eyes never left Kenshin,

"You think that just because I came from heaven that I'll be nice and just let you shove me into a wall? WRONG! I only have a short time with you and you need to understand that you will never see me again after this."

Kenshin cross his eyebrows, "Why do you have a short time with me, Sano-san?"

"I am NOT your Sano-san!"

Everyone was dumbstruck and only Kenshin answered back, "Then…who are you?"

"You don't even…You can't even recognize the sound of your own wife's voice?!" Sano began to weep. All eyebrows furrowed.

"You mean to tell me… that you are-"

"TOMOE!!" He stomped passed the girls and Yahiko jumped out of the way at the sight.

Megumi's mouth hung open as she realized his earlier claim, "He _is _possessed."

* * *

I hope you guys liked it^^ I worked on rush to get it to you today. Or Sunday (for those of you who aren't in the same time zone as I am).

I thought the first chapter was kind of a drag. So I made this one full of puns. There will be more in the future. But I"m not going to update on this until I get ten reviews! HA! Yes, I am holding this story hostage! So... Send the story to people if you really want me to continue!

And, yes, as always, flames are welcome. But if anyone is giong to tell me Tomoe is out of character I stick my tongue out at you. She's supposed to be. Why? Just for added dramatic effect.

In the next chapter: The monkd come. That is giong to be chaotically hilarious. AND Kaoru and Kensin are caught kissing. They kissed! YAY! Onward with their relationship!...but guess who witnesses this?...

REVIEW, REVIEW, REVIEW my darling readers!!!!


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